For participating parents and caregivers at the recent partnership program, “Wellness in the Home: Practical Strategies to Cultivate Health and Contentment in our Children,” an esteemed panel of psychologists and mental/emotional/physical and digital health experts shared a wealth of insights and strategies for improving the wellness of their child, their family, and themselves.
An hour-long conversation, moderated by Friends Academy Dean of Wellness Christine Botti, took parents through a crucial line-up of topics, including a definition of wellness, adult modeling, digital media, the impact of self-reflection, and the relationship between resilience and struggle. “Wellness is not a new concept,” opened Caroline Mendel, the Senior Director of Clinical Services for School and Community Programs at NYC’s Child Mind Institute, and mother to young children at Friends Academy. “And most acts that you do as parents are cultivating wellness,” she pointed out in this post-pandemic landscape. “You are already doing a lot.”
In defining wellness, Executive Director and CEO of the North Shore Child & Family Guidance Center Kathy Rivera asked parents to divest themselves of the idea that wellness is solely an outcome. “Mostly we think of wellness as an end game – it’s actually a combination of work, activities, choices, and the lifestyles that you make – be it physical, spiritual, or financial health,” said Ms. Rivera. “You can also nail it in one dimension, but not in others, and as human beings, we beat ourselves up and forget what we are doing well. This is an entire ecosystem we have to pay attention to.”
Digital media expert and consultant Faith Rogow, Ph.D. continued further, asking the audience to reframe past characterizations of wellness. “What do your children look like when they are well?” she asked of parents. “There is an automatic set of behaviors that define wellness for children and it is not the equivalent of happiness,” cautioned Ms. Rogow. “Happiness is temporary and so many of us strive to make people, and our children, happy rather than well. Confidence, satisfaction, pride… those are hard to achieve, and when you do, you may not always be happy – but you will be well.”
Noting that younger and younger children are not able to remember a time before the pandemic, diversity practitioner and school counselor Jen Cort, who is also Quaker and works with thousands of children around the world, emphasized the need to recalibrate adult instincts to return to a time when things were “normal”. “I see this continuously… kids want us to know that they are not ‘ill’ – they don’t see their mental health that way,” she said. And, added Friends Academy School psychologist Dr. Michael Quinland about the pandemic’s impact, “it has intensified things that were already going on, especially the stress that our children are feeling right now. And while social media can connect us, it may not inoculate us against isolation.”
In addressing the world of digital media, one-to-one conversation takes on added importance. “Devices are simply a part of our children’s lives,” stated Ms. Rogow. “To go straight there when things are not working is not the answer.” Instead, she advised, think of devices as a neutral place – a problem for some kids and salvation for others. “The only way you will know which it is for your child, is to ask,” she said. Ms. Mendel agreed, adding a few strategies. “Engage in one-on-one time with your child – just five minutes a day – and let your child take the lead and be in charge of the conversation,” she recommended. “Find your ‘in’ with your child. It could be video games or something else,” she added. “Then they will want to come to you for later conversation. As parents we want to solve problems for our kids; sometimes all they want is for you to validate the stress and the problem-solving comes later.”
Ms. Rivera examined the art of communication and offered several tips for modeling, self-care, and reflection. “Are you on your phone when your child is trying to talk to you?” asked Ms. Rivera. “I turn my phone over when my son approaches me so that I can be present, especially in a household with multiple children. I also use positive self-talk to help recalibrate me and get me thinking, especially after a conflict – for example, is what I’m about to say going to strengthen or weaken this relationship; is it useful and relevant,” said Ms. Rivera, who noted that she is working on more praise and less criticism for 2025. “You can keep stock of how many times you criticize your child,” she suggested, adding that a 3-to-1 positive-to-negative formula is most ideal for feedback.
Modeling behavior for children as adults was an important theme for the panel. “Our children see everything we do. They need us to not only model healthy habits, but also explain it to them,” underscored Dr. Quinland. “Some of the adult things we do may not be good for them and we need to send them the message that we value them and will work through this process together.”
Learning how to model the power of language – “I need help; I don’t have the answer” – can be an important way to teach children how to say no when their plate is too full and how to acknowledge toxic relationships. As a concrete step, Ms. Rivera also recommended the simple reminder of 1-1-1. “Set 1 goal for yourself – it can be the tiniest goal. Take a break for 1 hour from your phone; and do 1 kind act. If you can engage in that behavior, then you can ask your child, ‘What is your 1-1-1?’”
Some of adult modeling may also stem from the healthy practice of self care. “How you treat other people, practicing forgiveness, taking time for yourself – kids will see all of this and imitate,” said Ms. Mendel, who added that modeling should always be followed by verbal reinforcement of the adult behavior. “We need to think about how we can reflect on ourselves as parents and recognize when our actions about our child are about ourselves,” said Dr. Quinland, who encouraged parents to ask questions of themselves. “Who am I doing this of? Is this for my anxiety? Or is about what that child needs in the moment? Does it make the situation better – or, does it make just me feel better and my child feel worse,” he elaborated. “A part of parenting is reflecting on what is going on inside of us,” he added. “When we are talking to your children, they have a sense that they must be perfect. So the conversation must be about the difference between good, good enough, great, and this mythical perfection. You are good enough just the way you are.”
In the current digital age, reflection can be a lost art; trapped and shuffled between the consumption of content across multiple platforms. “What do we do when the phone in our pocket is more powerful than all of the computing power it took to send people to the moon?” asked Ms. Rogow. “This world gives kids access to unlimited information and audiences and they will live in that world even if you never give them a phone,” said Ms. Rogow. “It’s shaping our culture and most political discourse now takes place online. Do we not want our kids to be civically engaged?”
In order to achieve a balance, Ms. Rogow suggests developing habits of reflection and inquiry. “I have learned to take regular breaks with my body when I am sedentary for a long time, or really anytime,” she said, adding that encouraging children to go for walks after dinner and teaching them reflective questions can assist in balancing the digital load. “When I consider digital content, I ask myself all the time… what does this want me to do or think? How do I know what they want? Why would they want me to do or think this? And,” she paused, “If I did it or thought it, would my family be proud of me?”
And what of the balance between struggle and support? Where does the line lie in developing resilience in children? “When you become a parent, you become a protector. But you are not supposed to isolate your children from the world,” explained Ms. Rivera. “Letting your children engage in conflict and struggle makes you a good parent. Your job is to be there as a safety net and to give them the tools to manage this on their own,” she directed. “If you’ve always rescued them, they won’t have the tools to be a self-sustaining individual because they have to feel those emotions of disappointment, anger, frustration, and shame.” Without that, Rivera continued, children might turn toward unhealthy coping skills.
Ms. Rivera suggested flipping the parenting manual and asking children for the answers instead. “I would ask my older son for advice with my younger son – ‘what do you think?’ Little victories are powerful and you can teach them to enjoy the little successes,” she stated, adding that parents are the ones who know their children the best. “Sometimes you need to intervene because you know your child and you know when something is off.”
Building an emotions vocabulary is one way to lead children away from the binary of good vs. bad and instead teach them comfortable vs. uncomfortable. “Being able to handle those uncomfortable feelings is what builds resilience in your kids,” explained Ms. Mendel. “When we’re not able to ride out that wave of big feelings, that’s when kids might engage in unhealthy coping, as well as communicating that you don’t think your kids can handle a situation.” Instead, Ms. Mendel recommended using language that reflects the challenge but is paired with optimism – “I know this is hard and I know you can handle it.”
“We can never have one feeling at a time,” remarked Ms. Cort, who explained that feelings can also be in conflict with each other. “Fine or good is not a feeling,” she noted, also suggesting parents steer away from using diagnostic language for things that are not diagnostic. “For instance, describing an appropriate moment of anxiety as ‘having a panic attack’ or experiencing ‘an ADD moment,’” said Ms. Cort. “I always ask kids, “Before that… what were you thinking?’ In the end perfectionism is the opposite of resilence.”
Mapping your child’s path toward resilience also requires parents and caregivers overcoming their own uncomfortable feelings. “We all know that the toughest job is that of a parent – there is no manual,” said Dr. Quinland. “But we have to have the ability to talk to other parents without feeling shame,” he encouraged. “We all struggle with things, but your relationship with your child is the biggest vaccine for building resilience. And, that means you have to deal with the uncomfortable feelings of feeling like a bad parent,” he shared. “Help your child problem-solve, but don’t tell them the answers – let them figure it out… with your help. Problem-solving sends the message that the child has power; it builds a sense that ‘I am a confident person.’ And when they make mistakes, help them understand why it happened and what led to it. Because this is the long game – it’s not just what they’re like at 11 or 17, but at 25 and beyond.”
Photography by Margaret Pegno Schwartz/Friends Academy